Today was very hard. I was all set to go to the gym, bag packed, hydrated, had the class I was going to take. I was ready to go. Then I walked in and I was terrified. I felt like a spotlight was on me. Surely everyone in this place can see that I don't belong here. I am just a visitor. But I powered through, went in and changed my clothes in the locker room. Got my towel, my water. I then went to where my class was supposed to be and somehow, it must have changed or I read the schedule wrong. This was not what I planned. I turned around - everyone is looking at me - at least that's how it feels. Everyone is thin, I don't know what I am doing here. But I can't just stand here, I need to at least act like I know what I am doing. I will try the stationary bike - I know how to ride a bike, right? Wrong. I sat down and could not figure out how to move the seat. So I fiddled with the seat for a few minutes. Conscious that the whole row behind me is watching me - embarrassed FOR me. Ugh. I managed enough courage to ride for about 10 minutes before I couldn't bear it anymore. Enough of the people behind me have left so that others won't know how little I actually rode. I got my towel and water and got my stuff and left.
The tears didn't come until I got into the car when Curt called to check in and I tried to explain why I was on why way home early. DAMMIT!
I have some work to do. Deep down, cleaning out the cobwebs work to do. I'm gonna need a bright light to get deep into the cracks were all this garbage is hiding. I have ignored how bad things were. Its amazing how change reveals things.
I go back to the gym on Thursday. This time someone will be showing me how to use everything and I also will be having a few sessions with a trainer. One day to feel sorry for myself, that's it. Tomorrow is a new day.
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