Lap band no more....

It's been a while....I have been avoiding posting here. I somehow felt a failure after I made the decision to have my lap band removed. Embarrassed, that it didn't work for me. Rewind to January of this year. My band was very loose and I had literally no restriction, so I started getting fills every few weeks and finally started seeing some movement on the scale. I thought I finally found the sweet spot. In April, the 1st signs began. I started having difficult keeping down solid food, gradually and over the course of a couple of weeks, it progressed to not being able to keep down soft foods. I wanted soooo badly to be successful. The worst of it came at the end of April when I could not keep down even water. I couldn't take it anymore, so I went to my Dr. and had her remove all the fluid from the band. That was a Friday. Things did not get any better. Maybe some of you can understand this. We all have our own issues and insecurities and weight is mine. I could not fail at this, even though I was starving. I was dying. My skin was gray - my eyes were yellow. I was a walking zombie. I could not work up enough spit in my mouth to swallow. Things were very bad. I woke up on a Tuesday, got dressed in one of my favorites suits because I had oral arguments that afternoon. Here's the craziness - my plan was to go to the emergency room, ask them for a little fluid, then I would be on my way to court. I told you it was crazy. But at the time, those were my thoughts. I ended up being admitted and stayed for 4 days on an IV getting daily doses of sugar water, Potassium and Magnesium. I can't count how many bags they gave me.

It only treated my symptoms of dehydration though. It did not address that I still could not eat. Even in the hospital on an all liquid diet, I could not keep anything down. My only nutrition was coming through my veins. By Friday, they got my fluid back to normal. But I was miserable still. So I asked to be discharged, so at least I could be miserable in my own home. I had to face reality that I needed to do something with the band. I needed it taken out. I had to wait until Monday.

The strange part is, well maybe it is not so strange given that the lap band industry is a business, that my lap band Dr. tried really, really hard to convince me to leave it in. He encouraged just doing a surgery to correct it. I stood firm. I insisted he take it out. If it wasn't corrected, there is no way I could have endured this again.

Immediately after getting the band removed I felt better. It was gone. I was scared. Afraid that the weight would come right back on and I would be fat forever. My heart sank with the realization that that was a very real possibility. My heart sank even further when the weight did come back. Daily. I wasn't eating crazy; my body was a sponge. Soaking in everything. It knew I had been dying and had gone into survival mode.

I tell my whole story because you should know. People you know, who are thinking that a quick fix will be THE answer, need to know. It may not be. It wasn't for me and it never addressed, even when I did well, my addicted love affair with food.

I started this blog months ago with one thought - I was not giving up. I am not giving up - just switching gears. I will be forty next February. Time to rediscover myself, but to also renew myself. This will now be the focus here. Who wants to join me? I know so many of you have had the same struggle. We all work so hard. It can seem impossible to find a way to eat fresh and healthy, to fit in exercise. Not impossible! Difficult - but not impossible.

Who is ready to do this man! Please come with me!!

I'm totally starving...literally.

Man. I am soooo bummed! I have been to the Dr. now 2 times to have fluid removed and its just not working. There is barely any fluid in my band and I still cannot keep anything down. Not even water. Losing weight when you are literally starving to death is not fun.

I surrender. I'm going in today to get all the fluid out. I'm very disappointed. This time i did everything right. I ate the right portions. I ate the right foods and still the band has not cooperated. I guess this is just not for me. Sucks big time.

The plus side is that I am down 45 pounds and I haven't seen this weight since around when Maddie was born. Just a little more and I will be under 200. That I haven't seen since I was first married. Now that I won't have any fluid, I am just hoping not to gain anything back and get stabilized for a bit.

I am nervous. Frustrated. But don't think starving is worth it. Gotta do something else. (Deep Sigh)

Success....at a price.

Well, its been a while - for good reason. The good news is that I finally have some movement! Yay. Down now a little over 20 pounds. Clothes fitting better already. The whole family is eating better. Fresh whole foods. Cleaned out the cabinets. Got rid of all the processed junk. Found good alternatives for the kids, like real 100% fruit roll ups instead of fruit snacks. Nuts and dried bananas instead of cheese crackers. Fresh fruits and veggies. No refined pasta or white rice. No aspartame. I think its been about 4 weeks now since I have had a diet Pepsi. I miss it something fierce. If I could drink it, I know I would.

That brings me to the price. My band is a little too tight again. Not sure why this keeps happening, but all of a sudden one day (not after a fill) it just feels too tight and its hard for food to pass through, causing acid reflux. I really want to find a way to have this work out, so I have been trying to manage it on my own. I have some very good days where I am fine, but also have some bad days like today where it is difficult to eat at all. I have to be very careful about the food I put in my body. Red meat doesn't do well. Small bits of chicken and fish are OK most of the time. Pasta, not so good. Seems to clog my throat really quickly. I have been trying to keep calories up with protein shakes and V8 Fusion. The V8 fusion was a nice little find. I didn't think I would like it, but it is really good and it is all fruit/veggies and has a full serving of each in an 8 oz. glass. The biggest downer is that any carbonation is not tolerated at all. The hardest part is that its starting to warm up outside and I would die for an ice cold fountain Diet Pepsi right now!

For those of you who don't drink diet drink and applaud my abstinence - don't. I WANT to drink it and have no desire to not drink it. My body will just not oblige. It is my one vice. I don't drink (much), don't smoke. Its MY vice.

Sacrifice will lead to success.

A little discouraged

It's been a little over two weeks since my fill. Not much loss. About two-three pounds. I'm not feeling much restriction at all, so I still feel like I can eat whatever I want, which is TOO much. I did really well right after the fill and stayed on liquids for the 4 days. That is a positive. Other positives are that I have cut back on my diet soda, I would say by at least half. I am doing better on eating protein first, then veggies and limiting starches.

Things I need to step up on are portion control, not drinking until 20 minutes after I eat and eating better food.

It was really difficult this weekend with Valentines day, my birthday, and studying for the bar. I have a compelling need to snack when I study. Sometimes I feel panicked. I need to take a break and find something. Kettle corn was my choice. Figured that was better than chips and dip. Lord, help me. I am a mess! Wish me better success in the coming weeks. Next fill is not until March 5th.

The biggest piece of advice I could give you is....

FOLLOW THE RULES! While in most every other part of my life I am a rule follower, when it comes to food I am a rule breaker. Weight has always been an issue and but for a few brief moments in 1983, and the early 1990's, I have been over-weight. I lost weight then by cheating. I would eat everything in sight and throw it all up. I just loved food. That gets old; I got old(er). And though I haven't purged for about 20 years, the food binger still lives in me.

So when I got the lap bad, my cheater mind set was still there. Long before I got the procedure, I knew the rules. Only fluids two days after a fill, soft foods two more days, protien first, stay away from starch and sticky foods, 1/2 cup of food or so, small bites, no soda, no straws, nickle size bites..... I KNOW the rules. But following them is another matter for a die hard cheater.

My name is Wendy Mays - I am a cheater. But, I have resolved to follow the rules and I am deteremined for success. I have my tools. I have the foods I need in the house. The small plates I am going to use for meals, the drinks I am going to drink instead of Diet Pepsi. And now I have a place to be accountable! Woo hoo. I'm excited.

My goal? To be able to fit into a regular sized Tahari suit. Can't wait!

Set to get a fill on Jan. 29th, 1010

Well, I have made the appointment to get my band filled again. It has been a while and right now it is near empty. In addition to not following the rules, my body was not cooperating. The last time I had fluid in it I became very sick and could barely keep down water. It was soooo awful. I was miserable for about a week because at the time I was in trial so I couldn't get in to the Doctor. About day four of exhaustion and dehydration I arranged to have the trial end a little early that day and the Dr. agreed to a late appointment. During an afternoon break in the trial the Judge decided he wanted us to stay late and finish up normal time. I burst into tears on the record in open court. I was sooooo embarrassed. I had to explain that I was sick and that I really needed to leave; he seemed a little embarrassed by the situation as well and, of course, let us go early.

Since then they put a scope down my throat to be sure there wasn't anything wrong. I'm OK, but there was a little bacteria in my stomach. That has since been medicated. So now I am all set. I'm ready to get back in the saddle. Wish me luck!!!

I'm not down, I'm up or getting up.

You would think that after a year and a half of only losing about 11 pounds, that I would give up on the lap band and myself and simply accept that I will be a forever fatty. Trust me, I have often thought of giving up and have had momentary lapses of resolving to do just that. But then I walk past a window, catch a glimpse in a mirror or see a photo and I don't recognize the person I see. That can't be me. I don't feel like that person. I don't want to be that person. But I am that person. That is me. So there is a choice to be made. Do I accept that is who I am or do I do what I set out to do a year and a half ago and follow the plan, accept the rules and be all in.

We missed church last Sunday. Sitting and drinking my coffee, flipping through the channels, I stumbled across John Maxwell preaching at the Chrystal Cathedral. He was speaking on failure. The difference between people who are successful and people who are not, is that successful people are not immune from failure, but do handle failure differently. Successful people "fail forward". They learn something from their failure and are somehow better off by their failure. Others, when they fail are paralyzed, they give up, they blame others. They fail to look inside themselves and to learn from what happened.

I have not had success with my lap band so far because I have not followed the rules. If I am to be successful, I need to follow the rules, eat what I am supposed to eat, in the portions I am supposed to. It is up to me, only me, to do this. I am sure that I will have set backs. I will have times that I stumble. When I get down - I will get back up. Get to work and begin again.