Pre-Cleanse - Day 2

Wow, who would have thought that I would feel sooooo good and, generally, not too cranky on Day 2. Cut the caffeine to 1/3, tomorrow will be zero. Yikes. Ate fruit mostly today except for lunch had last nights split pea soup. It was just as delicious the second time around.

For dinner I made sweet potato mash and cauliflower soup with arugula. The sweet potato mash was awesome. It has just a little orange juice in it with a new spice "garam masala" - AMAZING. Wish I had made more. My cauliflower soup turned out really good too. Will definitely need to incorporate some of these dishes into our normal menu when we are done cleansing.

No headaches, no melt downs, OH and I forgot, I actually drank some water today. Incredible, I know.

Day 2 = success.

Pre-Cleanse Day 1

If I had sat down to write this 1 hour ago, I probably would have only been able to say how crappy and horrible day 1 of Pre-cleanse was. Only a few pieces of fruit, a little lettuce, and not nearly enough caffeine. Add to that, that I have only had one contact in while my eye gets better, so that I can't see and have been working on a migraine all day AND Aunt Flo arrived as well. Yes, probably a very good idea I did not post when I first got home. Momma was a little cranky.

But then, I made some split pea soup out of the cleanse cookbook. I'll admit I was nervous. Sooooo glad it turned out very delicious and it filled me up. Yay. Two more days of pre-cleanse, then the hard part, 3 days of nothing but juicing. Gonna kick start the new year by detoxing. I'll let you know if I make it through another day tomorrow.

Wow, how did I get here...

Where is "here"? "Here" is gaining back every single pound lost after the lap band was removed. But HOW did I get here. That's easy. Out of control eating, no exercise, "busyness" and about a million other explanations that really just amount to excuses. BUT it is a new year, every day is a new day. This year I turn 40. We have BIG goals for this year, so why not add a healthier me to the list.

One of my favorite quotes is "direction determines destination". If what I am doing is not a step towards where and what I want to be, then I will never reach my destination. EVERY thing I do must lead me to my goal or it is time wasted. The Hebrews wandered in the desert for 40 years before they made it to the promised land. 40 is MY the magic number.

Lap band no more....

It's been a while....I have been avoiding posting here. I somehow felt a failure after I made the decision to have my lap band removed. Embarrassed, that it didn't work for me. Rewind to January of this year. My band was very loose and I had literally no restriction, so I started getting fills every few weeks and finally started seeing some movement on the scale. I thought I finally found the sweet spot. In April, the 1st signs began. I started having difficult keeping down solid food, gradually and over the course of a couple of weeks, it progressed to not being able to keep down soft foods. I wanted soooo badly to be successful. The worst of it came at the end of April when I could not keep down even water. I couldn't take it anymore, so I went to my Dr. and had her remove all the fluid from the band. That was a Friday. Things did not get any better. Maybe some of you can understand this. We all have our own issues and insecurities and weight is mine. I could not fail at this, even though I was starving. I was dying. My skin was gray - my eyes were yellow. I was a walking zombie. I could not work up enough spit in my mouth to swallow. Things were very bad. I woke up on a Tuesday, got dressed in one of my favorites suits because I had oral arguments that afternoon. Here's the craziness - my plan was to go to the emergency room, ask them for a little fluid, then I would be on my way to court. I told you it was crazy. But at the time, those were my thoughts. I ended up being admitted and stayed for 4 days on an IV getting daily doses of sugar water, Potassium and Magnesium. I can't count how many bags they gave me.

It only treated my symptoms of dehydration though. It did not address that I still could not eat. Even in the hospital on an all liquid diet, I could not keep anything down. My only nutrition was coming through my veins. By Friday, they got my fluid back to normal. But I was miserable still. So I asked to be discharged, so at least I could be miserable in my own home. I had to face reality that I needed to do something with the band. I needed it taken out. I had to wait until Monday.

The strange part is, well maybe it is not so strange given that the lap band industry is a business, that my lap band Dr. tried really, really hard to convince me to leave it in. He encouraged just doing a surgery to correct it. I stood firm. I insisted he take it out. If it wasn't corrected, there is no way I could have endured this again.

Immediately after getting the band removed I felt better. It was gone. I was scared. Afraid that the weight would come right back on and I would be fat forever. My heart sank with the realization that that was a very real possibility. My heart sank even further when the weight did come back. Daily. I wasn't eating crazy; my body was a sponge. Soaking in everything. It knew I had been dying and had gone into survival mode.

I tell my whole story because you should know. People you know, who are thinking that a quick fix will be THE answer, need to know. It may not be. It wasn't for me and it never addressed, even when I did well, my addicted love affair with food.

I started this blog months ago with one thought - I was not giving up. I am not giving up - just switching gears. I will be forty next February. Time to rediscover myself, but to also renew myself. This will now be the focus here. Who wants to join me? I know so many of you have had the same struggle. We all work so hard. It can seem impossible to find a way to eat fresh and healthy, to fit in exercise. Not impossible! Difficult - but not impossible.

Who is ready to do this man! Please come with me!!

I'm totally starving...literally.

Man. I am soooo bummed! I have been to the Dr. now 2 times to have fluid removed and its just not working. There is barely any fluid in my band and I still cannot keep anything down. Not even water. Losing weight when you are literally starving to death is not fun.

I surrender. I'm going in today to get all the fluid out. I'm very disappointed. This time i did everything right. I ate the right portions. I ate the right foods and still the band has not cooperated. I guess this is just not for me. Sucks big time.

The plus side is that I am down 45 pounds and I haven't seen this weight since around when Maddie was born. Just a little more and I will be under 200. That I haven't seen since I was first married. Now that I won't have any fluid, I am just hoping not to gain anything back and get stabilized for a bit.

I am nervous. Frustrated. But don't think starving is worth it. Gotta do something else. (Deep Sigh)

Success....at a price.

Well, its been a while - for good reason. The good news is that I finally have some movement! Yay. Down now a little over 20 pounds. Clothes fitting better already. The whole family is eating better. Fresh whole foods. Cleaned out the cabinets. Got rid of all the processed junk. Found good alternatives for the kids, like real 100% fruit roll ups instead of fruit snacks. Nuts and dried bananas instead of cheese crackers. Fresh fruits and veggies. No refined pasta or white rice. No aspartame. I think its been about 4 weeks now since I have had a diet Pepsi. I miss it something fierce. If I could drink it, I know I would.

That brings me to the price. My band is a little too tight again. Not sure why this keeps happening, but all of a sudden one day (not after a fill) it just feels too tight and its hard for food to pass through, causing acid reflux. I really want to find a way to have this work out, so I have been trying to manage it on my own. I have some very good days where I am fine, but also have some bad days like today where it is difficult to eat at all. I have to be very careful about the food I put in my body. Red meat doesn't do well. Small bits of chicken and fish are OK most of the time. Pasta, not so good. Seems to clog my throat really quickly. I have been trying to keep calories up with protein shakes and V8 Fusion. The V8 fusion was a nice little find. I didn't think I would like it, but it is really good and it is all fruit/veggies and has a full serving of each in an 8 oz. glass. The biggest downer is that any carbonation is not tolerated at all. The hardest part is that its starting to warm up outside and I would die for an ice cold fountain Diet Pepsi right now!

For those of you who don't drink diet drink and applaud my abstinence - don't. I WANT to drink it and have no desire to not drink it. My body will just not oblige. It is my one vice. I don't drink (much), don't smoke. Its MY vice.

Sacrifice will lead to success.

A little discouraged

It's been a little over two weeks since my fill. Not much loss. About two-three pounds. I'm not feeling much restriction at all, so I still feel like I can eat whatever I want, which is TOO much. I did really well right after the fill and stayed on liquids for the 4 days. That is a positive. Other positives are that I have cut back on my diet soda, I would say by at least half. I am doing better on eating protein first, then veggies and limiting starches.

Things I need to step up on are portion control, not drinking until 20 minutes after I eat and eating better food.

It was really difficult this weekend with Valentines day, my birthday, and studying for the bar. I have a compelling need to snack when I study. Sometimes I feel panicked. I need to take a break and find something. Kettle corn was my choice. Figured that was better than chips and dip. Lord, help me. I am a mess! Wish me better success in the coming weeks. Next fill is not until March 5th.