Shining a light into the Darkness

Today was very hard. I was all set to go to the gym, bag packed, hydrated, had the class I was going to take. I was ready to go. Then I walked in and I was terrified. I felt like a spotlight was on me. Surely everyone in this place can see that I don't belong here. I am just a visitor. But I powered through, went in and changed my clothes in the locker room. Got my towel, my water. I then went to where my class was supposed to be and somehow, it must have changed or I read the schedule wrong. This was not what I planned. I turned around - everyone is looking at me - at least that's how it feels. Everyone is thin, I don't know what I am doing here. But I can't just stand here, I need to at least act like I know what I am doing. I will try the stationary bike - I know how to ride a bike, right? Wrong. I sat down and could not figure out how to move the seat. So I fiddled with the seat for a few minutes. Conscious that the whole row behind me is watching me - embarrassed FOR me. Ugh. I managed enough courage to ride for about 10 minutes before I couldn't bear it anymore. Enough of the people behind me have left so that others won't know how little I actually rode. I got my towel and water and got my stuff and left.

The tears didn't come until I got into the car when Curt called to check in and I tried to explain why I was on why way home early. DAMMIT!

I have some work to do. Deep down, cleaning out the cobwebs work to do. I'm gonna need a bright light to get deep into the cracks were all this garbage is hiding. I have ignored how bad things were. Its amazing how change reveals things.

I go back to the gym on Thursday. This time someone will be showing me how to use everything and I also will be having a few sessions with a trainer. One day to feel sorry for myself, that's it. Tomorrow is a new day.

Progress! But DANG its hard.

Tomorrow will be two weeks of the HCG diet and I am down 12.8 Pounds! Woo hoo. Started off really strong and followed everything to a "T". The past three days, though, have been incredibly hard. I am HUNGRY and craving all the things I can't have, Ranch dressing, Toast with Jelly, Bacon....mmmm bacon. LOL! I have had a couple of days where I ate way more protein than I was supposed to and a few more grissini bread sticks that I was supposed to. Oh, and then Curt bought fried chicken. DANG IT! I pulled off the skin and swallowed two thighs before I could catch my breath.

But let keep perspective. If I compare these slip ups to slips in the past, they are not that bad. Just gotta keep on truckin'. This is the hump. Only two more weeks to go. Hawaii is coming quick. FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS.

Back on the Bus

My daily affirmation reads,

"God in his infinite ability and love for me will bless my life. He will bless me with peace, love, happiness and wealth. He desires to provide me with not only my present needs but the desires of my heart."

Surrounding that affirmation on my vision board are all of the goals I intend to achieve in this life. A few of them are to be debt free, to serve others, to have raised children that love the Lord, to have a home full of love and laughter...and, of course, to be thin and physically fit.

The point in all this is that, despite past failure, I am not giving up. There will be a day that I can look back and say I "used to be _______, man it was hard getting here, but I did it, and I am so glad I did!"

Today was a particularly hard day. I did not eat before going to church and by the time I got home, I had to turn right around and take Maddie to her missions meeting. I was STARVING. When I walked in the door, both Debbie and Curtis were eating their lunch, nothing that I could have; it sure smelled delicious!

I was patient. I pulled out all my fresh veggies, chopped them up. I preheated the oven and started thawing my fish. I was tempted and very close to eating a few tortilla chips on the counter. I heard my natural self say, "its O.K., one chip won't hurt" LIES! One chip will hurt because one chip turns into two, then half a bag, then then guilt sets it and as soon as I know it, I am back off the bus.

Not this time. This time I am on the bus and sometimes being on the bus is really hard, but it gets us to our destination, eventually.

Pre-Cleanse - Day 2

Wow, who would have thought that I would feel sooooo good and, generally, not too cranky on Day 2. Cut the caffeine to 1/3, tomorrow will be zero. Yikes. Ate fruit mostly today except for lunch had last nights split pea soup. It was just as delicious the second time around.

For dinner I made sweet potato mash and cauliflower soup with arugula. The sweet potato mash was awesome. It has just a little orange juice in it with a new spice "garam masala" - AMAZING. Wish I had made more. My cauliflower soup turned out really good too. Will definitely need to incorporate some of these dishes into our normal menu when we are done cleansing.

No headaches, no melt downs, OH and I forgot, I actually drank some water today. Incredible, I know.

Day 2 = success.

Pre-Cleanse Day 1

If I had sat down to write this 1 hour ago, I probably would have only been able to say how crappy and horrible day 1 of Pre-cleanse was. Only a few pieces of fruit, a little lettuce, and not nearly enough caffeine. Add to that, that I have only had one contact in while my eye gets better, so that I can't see and have been working on a migraine all day AND Aunt Flo arrived as well. Yes, probably a very good idea I did not post when I first got home. Momma was a little cranky.

But then, I made some split pea soup out of the cleanse cookbook. I'll admit I was nervous. Sooooo glad it turned out very delicious and it filled me up. Yay. Two more days of pre-cleanse, then the hard part, 3 days of nothing but juicing. Gonna kick start the new year by detoxing. I'll let you know if I make it through another day tomorrow.

Wow, how did I get here...

Where is "here"? "Here" is gaining back every single pound lost after the lap band was removed. But HOW did I get here. That's easy. Out of control eating, no exercise, "busyness" and about a million other explanations that really just amount to excuses. BUT it is a new year, every day is a new day. This year I turn 40. We have BIG goals for this year, so why not add a healthier me to the list.

One of my favorite quotes is "direction determines destination". If what I am doing is not a step towards where and what I want to be, then I will never reach my destination. EVERY thing I do must lead me to my goal or it is time wasted. The Hebrews wandered in the desert for 40 years before they made it to the promised land. 40 is MY the magic number.

Lap band no more....

It's been a while....I have been avoiding posting here. I somehow felt a failure after I made the decision to have my lap band removed. Embarrassed, that it didn't work for me. Rewind to January of this year. My band was very loose and I had literally no restriction, so I started getting fills every few weeks and finally started seeing some movement on the scale. I thought I finally found the sweet spot. In April, the 1st signs began. I started having difficult keeping down solid food, gradually and over the course of a couple of weeks, it progressed to not being able to keep down soft foods. I wanted soooo badly to be successful. The worst of it came at the end of April when I could not keep down even water. I couldn't take it anymore, so I went to my Dr. and had her remove all the fluid from the band. That was a Friday. Things did not get any better. Maybe some of you can understand this. We all have our own issues and insecurities and weight is mine. I could not fail at this, even though I was starving. I was dying. My skin was gray - my eyes were yellow. I was a walking zombie. I could not work up enough spit in my mouth to swallow. Things were very bad. I woke up on a Tuesday, got dressed in one of my favorites suits because I had oral arguments that afternoon. Here's the craziness - my plan was to go to the emergency room, ask them for a little fluid, then I would be on my way to court. I told you it was crazy. But at the time, those were my thoughts. I ended up being admitted and stayed for 4 days on an IV getting daily doses of sugar water, Potassium and Magnesium. I can't count how many bags they gave me.

It only treated my symptoms of dehydration though. It did not address that I still could not eat. Even in the hospital on an all liquid diet, I could not keep anything down. My only nutrition was coming through my veins. By Friday, they got my fluid back to normal. But I was miserable still. So I asked to be discharged, so at least I could be miserable in my own home. I had to face reality that I needed to do something with the band. I needed it taken out. I had to wait until Monday.

The strange part is, well maybe it is not so strange given that the lap band industry is a business, that my lap band Dr. tried really, really hard to convince me to leave it in. He encouraged just doing a surgery to correct it. I stood firm. I insisted he take it out. If it wasn't corrected, there is no way I could have endured this again.

Immediately after getting the band removed I felt better. It was gone. I was scared. Afraid that the weight would come right back on and I would be fat forever. My heart sank with the realization that that was a very real possibility. My heart sank even further when the weight did come back. Daily. I wasn't eating crazy; my body was a sponge. Soaking in everything. It knew I had been dying and had gone into survival mode.

I tell my whole story because you should know. People you know, who are thinking that a quick fix will be THE answer, need to know. It may not be. It wasn't for me and it never addressed, even when I did well, my addicted love affair with food.

I started this blog months ago with one thought - I was not giving up. I am not giving up - just switching gears. I will be forty next February. Time to rediscover myself, but to also renew myself. This will now be the focus here. Who wants to join me? I know so many of you have had the same struggle. We all work so hard. It can seem impossible to find a way to eat fresh and healthy, to fit in exercise. Not impossible! Difficult - but not impossible.

Who is ready to do this man! Please come with me!!